Blue Plastic Spoons

My guilt at leaving Chrissy in a 'place like that' gnaws away at me. It started when we first received respite care. It's about institutions & what they represent - the one-size-fits-all approach, strangers paid to look after my child. 'I should be doing it!' my heart cries out. I have frequent dreams about caring for Chrissy as a tiny child again. She is Peter Pan-like, never an adult.

When medical professionals first said that Chrissy would be better off in a residential environment I doggedly refused. When she was 10 they said that we had done 'remarkably well' to cope so far but such extreme challenging behaviour needed a level of structure & consistency that a home environment could never provide. At 10! I sat & wept through so many meetings, knowing that we couldn't go on like we were but desperate not to send my child away.

Time passed & we stumbled on. Chrissy's increasing size was the deciding factor. Descriptions of our struggles to manage extreme, violent prolonged outbursts in an adult-sized person are in my book 'Bringing Up a Challenging Child at Home.'

We were very lucky to find a fantastic termly boarding school about 45 mins drive from our home. Chrissy went there from age 14-19, & loved it. I missed her terribly but never saw the school as institution-like, & she was home during weekends & school holidays. When Chrissy left school, I picked residential places that looked homely, as the hospital wards do where she is now.

But the blue plastic spoon incident was a stark reminder. Chrissy is in an institution.

She developed an obsession for taking metal teaspoons from home back to hospital. I always had to sneak them back with me as, for health & safety reasons, the hospital does not allow metal spoons on wards. I fully understand why but it was hard the first time I saw Chrissy being given a blue plastic spoon when she asked for a spoon for her dessert. She became distressed & rejected it. She has never used metal cutlery to harm herself or anyone else but, like all the other patients, she was being denied it, & her autism made it tougher for her to deal with.

That small blue plastic spoon symbolised how little control Chrissy has in her life, & the numerous small but bruising injustices & inequalities she faces due to her disability. It also highlights how actively Chrissy tries to communicate her needs. If she asks for something unusual, or develops a new obsession or ritual, we should explore what she could be trying to tell us. Although we can't always promise her the outcome she desires!